a cork board

a day at the park
PMpTue, 06 Apr 2010 23:01:46 +000001Tuesday 1, 2010, 11:01 pm
Filed under: the sweetst thing, Uncategorized

we took Keshav to the park yesterday. it wasn’t his first time there, Kavita took him there about a week ago. but it was so surreal to be there, pushing little guy on the swing. it was my first time being in the park surrounded by all of those playing children, with me being a father. I’ve been there as a big brother, as an uncle and as a friend, but never as a father. the entire sequence of events (even the breeze) felt different. it dawned on me that I am going to be spending a lot of time in parks with him over the years. I even wondered if I will be able to go down spiral-slides with him, LOL. of course, he fits in one of those baby swings, hardly filling it at all. he either leans all the way back in it or is all forward. he just sits there and smiles with his open mouth with the wind kicking his long hair back. he loves it, those simple pleasures.

thinking of these moments I begin to realize how much of a breath-taking life filled with wondrous moments like these I have to look forward to. it’s not going to be easy, being a provider never is. but I look forward it a thousand fold. the laughter of children should be interludes on every radio station across the world, it should be spliced into elevator music and played through department stores. I think it would keep people in better spirits…better spirits than Frank Sinatra can anyway. and Keshav is just awesome, such a little man already. I can’t wait to see his personality start to grow and grow…I already see it coming out


i seem to remember…
PMpTue, 06 Apr 2010 14:44:02 +000044Tuesday 1, 2010, 2:44 pm
Filed under: the mirror

I seem to remember a time when I didn’t care about a thing. it wasn’t that dramatic, or extreme. I’ve always been one to examine and observe. I always got lost in friend ship. got lost in laughter.

I seem to remember times when I would just step back and disconnect myself from the reality that was devouring my eyes. I stepped back and studied their faces. I studied their surroundings. because of my studies I was never really there when it was happening. so now, I am able to be there years later. and there is never dust when I do. just distorted laughter and slow-motion reaching.

I seem to remember a time when I didn’t do this. but I can’t tell if it is real because I never studied them. I never examined their occurrences or expressions. so because of this it is almost as though they never happened. I try and recall a time when I was three years old and full of everything. full of nothing. but I can’t. how far back can the memory go? I know I would like to jog back farther than it can reach, but the road ends before I get there. and I’m left glaring at horizons from the underneath the palm of my hand emblazoned across my brow, hoping I’ll see myself at a time where I can’t remember. hop-scotching over pastel chalks. but I never do. and I’ll never give up either. I’ll chase that boy until I find him. laughing at the idea of laughing.

I seem to remember having a son and seeing this boy in him. seeing everything that I cannot retrieve from those years is in his eyes. I can see it when he looks at things. the way he studies them. when he laughs with this mother like it is the first time every time. I’ll try not to study him though. I’ll try to just live in his rays. that way, I can remember. without fear of ever forgetting.

to be blind to yesterday
PMpMon, 05 Apr 2010 20:33:58 +000033Monday 1, 2010, 8:33 pm
Filed under: the ether, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I have always been a person who tried to understand both sides to every argument. my mother told me that there were always two sides to every story, and I took that to heart. There is always a sequence of events that can make a certain rationale or mindset seem logical and worthy of a lifestyle or an action to any one person.

something that has been bugging me for sometime now is this new idea in modern society that the past doesn’t matter. there are hoards of people nowadays that don’t seem to have concern for the origin of things. whether it’s music or politics or anything else, people just don’t care about real-world origins anymore. I don’t want to say it’s a generation thing, because it’s not. it’s way bigger than that.

my discontent with this topic is compounded by sporadic conversations with my cubicle-compdre at work. I want to start by saying that I appreciate fresh perspectives and individuals who are willing to discuss them openly without taking offense. I’ve always been of the belief that nothing can prepare you for the present more than knowing the past. you have to know where you come from, even if that means the plight of your people or the suffering handed out by your people, you have to know. I’m flabbergasted day in and day out by the things that come up in our office talk. last week I learned she has no idea what Malcolm X’s contributions to modern living and thought are. she also was lost at the mention of The Black Panthers. Now I’ve never read books or seen movies on Malcolm or even studied the Panthers, but I do have a solid understanding and respect for their contributions.

I’ve also always known that there was an audience for mindless music and a group of people (a sect if you will) who prefer beats, flows and overall sounds to any type of content. I for one, have always (always) preferred music that said something, whether that be personal expression just ideas. well, I also learned today that she has not one iota of respect for Tupac Shakur’s music or poetry and what it represents. She also hates K’naan’s ‘Wavin’ Flag’ and would rather listen to ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga. Everyone is entitled to their preference, I have ALWAYS respected that and STILL DO. but a complete lack of respect and even consideration for moments, people and events that shift/ed time in one way or another puts me at a major level of uneasiness. she didn’t even know about the Biggie & Pac feud until she saw the movie ‘Notorious,’ which in the end may prove to be a good thing.

I want to say here that this co-worker knows I am writing this. I told her I was, and she encouraged me to. but I’m sitting here and trying to understand what the benefit of being ignorant to history can be. how one can find complacency in not caring how you were given the freedom that you enjoy everyday, i will never understand. I know as a people (Indian, Black,White, Latin, Chinese, etc.) we need to move forward with our trains of thought. And the only way we can do that is by NOT holding grudges from the past. Maybe being oblivious to the civil rights movements is the way to go? Maybe it’s not? I sure as hell believe in understanding that the atrocities and/or injustices suffered yesterday are the things that framed today; I’d also like to know the revolutions and rallies that shifted tides.

it is important to understand  these things, not to live in the past, but to be knowledgeable of its mistakes so that we can prevent them for now and for coming generations. if we don’t remember our mistakes, we are bound to repeat them. so I vehemently believe that it is our duty (as human beings) to know and never forget these things. Jewish people are absolutely right to make sure no one ever forgets the holocaust, but they are even more right in learning from it and moving forward (maybe I’m wrong for even bringing that up). what I do know is that our fighters, philosophers, poets and leaders of the past did not fight for our us as a people to have their voices lost in generations of trend-setters. to me, the real trend-setters understand the past and the very actions that allowed them to set that trend.

I think I’ve said enough on that for now….

the deftones
PMpMon, 05 Apr 2010 14:30:15 +000030Monday 1, 2010, 2:30 pm
Filed under: music

thanks to my buddy Scott Allison, I’ve been diving into the Deftones discography. i’ve only owned ‘white pony’ andi always loved that album. i’ve really liked anything i’ve heard from the deftones.

but listening to ‘adrenaline’ and ‘around the fur’ and all of their older stuff i’m really beginning to figure something out. first off, i kind of regret not giving them a listen back between 1995 and 2000. and secondly, i’m really getting to understand why so many bands today sound the way they do. it sounds like the deftones have influences everyone under the sun when it comes to nu metal bands. the deftones are so amazing. they’re one of the few bands that have stayed original and true to their style of having no style to begin with. listening to ‘adrenaline’ gives you a clear idea of what they will end up sounding like. maybe i’m making a big deal out of nothing, but i’ve been blown away from taking in the deftones discography over the last few days.

and yeah, i know i’m really behind the train on this one. i guess i always liked what i heard but never ventured into buying albums. so, if you’re a deftones fan, throw up your horns! and if not, but you like heavy music, youtube that shit right now!

AMpMon, 05 Apr 2010 10:27:29 +000027Monday 1, 2010, 10:27 am
Filed under: the mirror

I’ve been thinking a lot about family. I come from such a big one. my dad has 8 brothers and 2 sisters. I have 27 cousins (all on my dad’s side). I have 5 brothers and 1 sister. I live within a hour of 5 of my cousins, 2 uncles and 1 aunt. I’m 8 hours from 2 of my brothers and 24 hours from the rest of them, along with my parents. that’s all driving time. that’s pretty far from everyone. I look around at most of my friends in Canada and see how close they are to their family in proximity and a part of me wonders if I’ve been running from the fact that I always felt like I was different all along. I was always trying to fit in but felt like I just never would, no matter what. looking back, the faces in my life have changed so dramatically over the years and the longer I go without talking to the ones that made a difference, the harder it becomes to pick up the phone. we become strangers to one another. I don’t know what I’m getting at. I just know that I’ve been thinking a lot about who Keshav will grow up calling his family. I’m trying to make an effort to reach out to my blood more but I realize it may not always work out the way I will intend it to. out of my 8 uncles and 2 aunts, a handful of them don’t even speak to one another. I’ve just been wanting to re-connect with the ones that matter…whether they’ll have me or not remains to be seen. I just know that I’m the one who is holding the cards…and it’s time to play and stop folding.

PMpSat, 03 Apr 2010 21:27:13 +000027Saturday 1, 2010, 9:27 pm
Filed under: the ether, Uncategorized

everybody and their mother has a blog. i’ve always felt like i could have one. even if nobody reads it, i can write in one for days. there are too many ideas and thoughts that go wasted that could’ve become something great…or something terrible that would have given me fire to create something great. so i figure the least i could do is give these thoughts and ideas a resting place, or a place to be while they’re in process. a place to be remembered. to grow. a place to inspire. somewhere like a cork board. one that will grow and grow endlessly. i just want to let my thoughts and ideas flow freely and find a way to make some kind of sense out of the madness that runs through my minds like would-be victims dashing for their life. wish me well on this journey. i will sing…only if you dance like a fool. pour a glass of wine, and we’ll put it on the cork board.

Hello world!
AMpFri, 02 Apr 2010 01:11:06 +000011Friday 1, 2010, 1:11 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

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