a cork board


Playing By The Rules
PMpTue, 29 Mar 2016 14:49:59 +000049Tuesday 1, 2010, 2:49 pm
Filed under: the ether, the mirror, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , ,

There comes a time in your life when you get overlooked for someone else. It could be a promotion, an award or a simple pat on the back. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s recognition of some kind. It shouldn’t matter…but it does. We crave recognition. It validates our existence, it lets us know that we’re doing the right thing. I say we shouldn’t care, because it’s a lot like giving a pet a treat to reinforce good behavior (i.e. here’s a biscuit for your good behavior, now do it again!). I say we shouldn’t care because it doesn’t matter one tiny bit they way our actions are perceived by others. Only the results matter. But human nature is such a thing that we constantly seek validation from the rest of the world.

When it happens to me, I get infuriated. I get angry at the people who overlooked me AND the people who I was overlooked for. I’ve always operated on the belief that good, hard work yields good, honest results. Plain and simple. You work hard and plug away day in and day out and one day, if you’re lucky, then the boss-lady may call your number and give you a cookie for your efforts. But in the relentless culture of the office, playing the game is more important than hard work can ever be. What is the game you ask? The game is about appearances. It’s about facades and thinly-veiled agendas. It’s about social manipulation, being self-serving at every opportunity and looking out for number 1. And I’m not willing to play the game. I’ve never been cut from that cloth to be dishonest and manipulate things for my own benefit.

The more I sit here and ruminate onbring overlooked yet again, the more I fester with anger and bitterness. The more I begin to think about the old sayings of, no pain no gain or with no risk there’s no reward. I’m realizing that I’m sitting here comfortably in a job that doesn’t fulfill me, plugging away day in and day out expecting to get rewarded when I’m not playing by the rules of the game. I don’t like over-laughing to fit in. I don’t like being social when I don’t feel like it. I don’t like soliciting compliments. I don’t like complimenting the boss on her hair, shoes, jacket if I don’t feel like it. I’ve operated under the false pretenes that work and production alone represents youir place within an organization. But it doesn’t, and I can’t fault the system for that. I’ve chosen to be part of this system. This system requires a real “go-getter” attitude, a “team player” and someone overflowing with confidence, swagger and pizazz. It’s listed plain as day on the job requirements. Neither of those things are overly me.

Instead of being grumpy and unsatisfied I need to realize that I cannot change the game, I don’t want to change the game. I cannot change the rules. And I will definitely never win unless I’m willing to play by the rules. Well, bah-humbug, I ain’t playing by a damn thing. I need to actually put myself out there and stop running from my potential. I need to stop procrastinating and do more. I’m sick of feeling like I’m being overlooked because the person doing the overlooking is me. I’m the one who chooses to stay within the confines of this mindset. I’m the one who refuses to simply open the gate and enter a world with a different set of rules. Often times we get so caught up in what’s in front of us without ever realizing that we have the ability and power to simply walk away, turn around and just say fuck you and move on with our lives onto something better. I’m sick of it. So I’m trying to view this dogged day to day a bit differently. As a means to an end, because the moment I start to believe that it’s something more or that I can be something more within the confines of these rules, then my goose is cooked. Upward and onward folks. New rules, new game….slowly but surely.



…some reflecting.
PMpMon, 24 Oct 2011 14:48:37 +000048Monday 1, 2010, 2:48 pm
Filed under: the ether, the mirror, the sweetst thing | Tags: , , ,

If I could write myself something like an epitaph I would make it sound like the sound of my son’s laughter and my wife’s breathing. If I could carve my name into the engraved riverbeds of slabs of marble I would use my teeth to make my marks.

I would take the stars, the full moon and the entire night sky and stretch it as if it were a canvass across the length of my back. So that I may wear the darkness I enjoy bathing in so much like garments of skin. I would swallow the sun and paint my collarbone the color of the bluest sky known to man or woman. And I would open my palms to the universe in an attempt to capture the essence of the Creator so that I may hope to leave traces of the Good Lord in every mundane task I undertake.

But do not consider me a prophet. I am but a man, a man with flaws who only tries to be a good human being. I try to live according to the laws of the universe and I try to keep my ego confined to a whisper. So I avoid the term “poet” because I associate it with ego. And I don’t even know if that’s right or not. I just know that I don’t like titles. So call me a person instead. Call me human. Because I wear no armor, I am riddled with flaw, I am vulnerable and too open….so I close all of you off to protect my insecure center. Call me what you deem me worthy of. A walking contraction at times, a fortress of conviction in others. But remember that I bleed in a way that is not condusive to bruising. It floods me into corners of isolation and if I could pull the blackness of night upon me as if it were a blanket, I would.

But I arise entangled in covers of the arms of my love every morning and she is the sunshine that shatters the quilts of jilted darkness. I awake to a boy who loves me the way tree loves the Spring. So I thank the Most High everyday for planting reasons right under my nose, reasons that have taken root in the deepest recesses of my heart, reasons to see that life is too beautiful to live in the dark.

 



counting, counting, counting
AMpThu, 24 Jun 2010 11:13:40 +000013Thursday 1, 2010, 11:13 am
Filed under: the ether, the mirror, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

i keep counting reasons to let things slide. and i can’t seem to find enough. i’m not good at ignoring bullshit or dealing with toal ignorance. i’ve begun to realize that that is not one of my strong-suits, which means that i seriously need to develop that skill. one of the many things in life i have learned is that if there is something you are inherently bad at (just naturally awful), then you need to get good and get good fast. because the more it annoys you, the more is drives you into a tyrannical twist of profanity echoing through your noisy, little head….then hey, the more you are going to attract that destruction. because it gets to wants you.

so today, i keep counting reasons not to scream. not to tell some one to fuck off and my logical mind is seeing it. but i wear every emotion in my skin. my face is like a canvas and every emotion is like paint. so everytime i come across this or something like this i can painting murals across canvases until i cannot breathe (because i paint over my air holes). so today i keep throwing away canvases because i want nobody to see these paintings. i want to hide under curtains of passiveness and complacency so no one knows about the quiet storm. so no one sees the earthquakes under the surface of the calm ocean. but in an aftermath somewhere, i will cast a tsunami onto unassuming shores. the butteerfly effect strikes again. and here i go again, rambling on about quiet storms and unseen distasters and tiny explosions.

i am trying to find reasons not to explode. not to smash coy, condescending faces into humility. but the demon that can come out of a human being is not going to come out of me today. or ever for that matter. as much as i love humanity and the compassion that we can possess…i despise the self-serving, better-than, snotty and no shame proprieters of everything that is against level playing fields. so i am couting today…1…2…3…4…help me find enough, so that i can maintain some level of composure and start counting my blessings instead.