Filed under: the ether | Tags: happiness
Happiness is a sword with two edges. One that can cut away all of the darkness, to make room for the light. The other side slices your own fingers and splices open your skin. Which side do we hold onto? It’s not really a choice to make, it’s a matter of knowing their nature and managing your own expectations. It’s a matter of mastering your form and technique, it’s a mastery of balance.
At times Happiness can feel like a cotton tail, zipping from side to side. If you’ve ever tried to catch a rabbit, you’ll understand. It feels impossible. You have to be quick and slow down at the same time. You have to sacrifice your body at some point in the hopes of holding it close to your chest. I guess we’re all Alice in that regard, chasing an idea down a dark hole of the unknown. The journey itself will push you to grow and learn things you never thought possible, it will reveal things that will challenge your sanity.
Happiness is like the tide, it ebbs and it flows. It’s like a coin, two opposite sides of the same thing. You can’t have one without the other. There are moments where you feel like you’re in absolute heaven, floating on a cloud of bliss. In the blink of an eye, you can find yourself in the trenches, ready to gouge out your very eyes. For every incredible high, there is a equidistant low that will blow your mind in the exact opposite direction.
If you want to experience the bliss, if you want to taste it’s sweetness, then you must also be willing to swallow the bitter pills and weather the storms. You have to know that the dark days are worth the sunny ones, because they are. When you live the very best days on earth and experience unabashed mirth, the dark night don’t feel so bad. It just takes some faith and a lot of patience. Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel like laying down and giving up. But I never will, because I know it will always get better. It’s just a matter of waiting for the coin to flip.
Filed under: poems, the mirror | Tags: Freewrite, freewriting, Poem, Poetry
Sometimes I wish I would drop dead
Not that I would take my own life
Just to end the suffering
Quiet the madness that echoes
The truth of it is, I have to go it alone
The ultimate fucking pariah
To be there for everyone else
Support in their time of need
When I fall apart, tearing at the seams
I look for some one to hold onto
But I’m alone
Life is precious, I get it
I know my kids would break without me
I know my brothers would grieve
But I don’t think anyone would care
In the long run
I would hope to be a pleasant memory
I’m tired of feeling this way
Like I just take up space
And let everyone down
A walking, breathing disappointment
Even to myself, I let myself down
I do wish I could close my eyes sometimes
Never to open them again
Wake up somewhere with no pain
No one to disappoint
No one to let down
No one to reach out to
Just me to myself
And maybe, just maybe
A presence of God
Or something greater
I’m tired of feeling utterly alone
In a room full of people
Sad in a room full of laughter
Broken in a world full of wholeness
Let me go, set me free
I’m tired and I’m done
Give me grace, give me courage
I’m worn out at the edges
Tattered on the inside
I wish I had to strength to hold my own head up from hanging to the ground
From falling into the abyss
I know I’ll be okay
But sometimes I fall to pieces
It’s only me that I can rely upon
These quaking hands
This bleeding heart
This miserable, broken spirit
To uplift my own sorrow
I go it alone, again and again
Holding up others closest to me
Hoping they would hold me up too
I know I’ll wake up tomorrow
Ready to face and bear it again
So prop me up like a scarecrow
Empty on the inside
Dead skin hanging loose
Hoping to scare away those
Looking to disembowel me
Arms spread open like I’m trying to fly
Like I actually believe I can take flight
I’ll hang my head and beat myself silly
Flashing lights from the impact
I’ll persevere because I have to
Because somehow I know
I was born to bear the weight
And have unwavering faith in the divine
That something unseen in the universe
Will look out for me one day
For I know, deep down, I’m a good person
I’m sorry that I get like this
Enticed by the shadows, I let them hold me
Enshrouded like a blanket
It gives me comfort to know
I’ll be okay
That even when I’m submerged in the dark
There is a light somewhere
A light that will never extinguish
A light that resides within me
Flickering and fading
But never dying
a cork board 